Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Choosing hope

The news of being told on Sunday that I must go in for an urgent micro-discectomy operation this Thursday has hit me hard.

In the place of hope, positivity and determination, a whole new set of words has filled my mind.

These words circle around and around all day in my mind. The wake me up at night. They remind me why my heart has been heavy and sad for over 4 weeks now. The remind me of why my eyes fill with tears at the drop of a hat and my voice no longer sounds like my own.

The words that have filled my mind since Sunday have been a never-ending stream of :
Surgery; urgent; incisions; discs; recovery; anaesthesia; operation; nerves; lack of feeling; numbness; pain; insurance; hospital; medication; sadness, fear, sorrow, disappointment; exhaustion; intrepidation; apprehension; fatigue.

When I type those words, they roll off my fingers and tongue in an instant. The are just words. But oh boy, those words have changed my paradigm of thinking in a big way. I have cried the saddest of tears as I have struggled to process the changes in my life.

But as of today, I am choosing to firmly compartmentalise the negative thoughts and emotions. I am putting them in a metaphoric box and letting them sail off into the sunset. They are not words or feelings that I have ever associated with myself, and I am not about to let them start to be the forces that shape who I am. They have done that for 3 days and that's already 3 days too many.

As of today, I am making a firm decision, with bold conviction, to choose hope.
I am going to look deep within myself to refocus on hope.
With hope, I believe that I can be carried forward into a life that is even better than my life has previously been.
It is about what fuels the essence of my being.
It is making a choice about what will define me.
It is knowing that hope will give me not only the ability to get through this, but to triumph.
Hope is my choice over any other possibility.

And with hope comes a whole new set of words that will once again fill my mind and shape my path:
Happiness; vision; plans; new goals; strong health; strong mind; conviction; courage; faith; love; belief; dreams; determination; peace; excitement; energy; joy and positivity.

These are the words that represent who I am and how I plan to live my life as I head into surgery, recover from the operation and forge ahead into my life.


Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~Christopher Reeve


Saturday, January 21, 2012

Neurosurgeon Eve...

Today is "Neurosurgeon Eve". Not quite as exciting as Christmas Eve, but there is nonetheless a sense of anticipation and nervous excitement involved.

Tomorrow has been a long time coming. When I made the appointment 2 1/2 weeks ago for the first available slot, January 22nd seemed like eons away. I felt sure and confident that I would be healed by then and that I would not even need to attend the appointment. I felt like I had the strength, power and know-how to heal my body in what seemed like the vast amount of time I had.

As the time has drawn closer, I have still held steadfast in the belief that my numbness and pain would be gone by January 22nd. I have certainly made progress. Hello! I can now shower myself and I can even get my pants on by myself as long as I sit down to do it. Major accomplishments in my book. But can I feel my left leg? Not so much. Am I pain-free? Um, next question.

That leaves me with tomorrow's appointment. There are many words to sum up how I am currently feeling: Nervous, curious, morose, interested, excited, teary, faithful, scared, optimistic and apprehensive. That's a cocktail of contradictory emotions right there.

But the overiding feeling is one of fear. The thought of potentially having spinal surgery terrifies me. But that is all I am going to say about that because what will be, will be. The situation is what it is. These things happen for a reason. And let's face it, if I need surgery then I am all for it. I wanna get back to living my full, active life.

I remain glued to the belief that my life is unfolding exactly as it should.

Today's mental goal: "No matter where you are, no matter how difficult things might appear to be, you are always being moved towards magnificence. Always."

Today's physical goals: Today was a very active day (after some days of pretty bad pain). I achieved a trip to the supermarket; a walk to the gym and back; 5 mins pool walking and 30 mins traction; lunch out with a friend. I'm feeling quite good, but my right hip / butt cheek are not my friends at the moment. And neither is my left leg for that matter.

Say a little prayer for me that the neurosurgeon's diagnosis is the best path for me and that it is the one that will lead to me being able to live a full and active life again soon.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Today...

Today... I reveled in the fact that I went out for dinner last night for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... I reminisced about my fun outing with friends for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... I hardly recognised myself when I wore something other than a sweat suit for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... I went beyond the limits of my suburb for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... I was like a kid in a candy store when I went shopping for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... we planned for a positive, healthy future and we made holiday bookings for July.

And because of all the above, today... I felt like a normal person for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today's physical goal: Go out for coffee, walk around the mall (the world's BIGGEST mall at that); feel good afterwards. Done. (Even if the walk around the mall was a 15 minute hobble).

Today's mental goal: "Look for the gifts in everything; especially when you appear to be facing a negative situation. Adjusting to a new path and a new direction requires new qualities and strengths, and these qualities are always exactly what we require to accomplish the great things ahead in our lives".

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Meditation

Before I get out of bed each morning, I do a 6 minute healing meditation. It is a positive start to my day; it reminds me of what I should be focussing on and it sets an intention for a health-filled day.

The part I especially like is when the guy says a number of phrases that I repeat back to myself. They include things such as "You are getting stronger every day"; "Your energy and vitality are increasing daily" and my personal favourite "Every cell in your body is vibrating with health and energy".

It may be odd to think of me laying in bed saying these things out loud to myself, but at this point in time, I am willing to pull out all the stops to heal my back injury!

Today's mental goal: To carry some of the phrases with me throughout the day. Today I have been repeating "Every cell in your body is vibrating with health and energy" as I've done all my stretches and exercises. If nothing else, it totally takes the focus of the pain and redirects it to healing!

Today's physical goal: Sore, sore sore today :( Hence, I didn't head over to the pool at the gym, but rather did my exercises in our pool downstairs. I kinda need to save my energy because tonight I am going out for dinner with a group of friends. It's just going to be a quick, easy dinner - I think we're going to a yummy Italian restaurant. Given that I can only sit in 20 minute blocks, I plan on getting up and walking for 5 minutes every 20 minutes to keep things limber. This is my first meal out since Christmas Day! Wish me luck!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Law of Attraction

Today's physical goal: Walk to pool and back; do 10 mins pool walking and 30 mins traction floating. Done!

I'm feeling a little sore today after yesterday's pretty intense physio session. I was curled up on the couch, so tempted to pass on my visit to the pool. After toying with this idea for a while, I pulled myself together, stopped feeling sorry for myself, and JUST DID IT. No surprises that I felt fine when walking and in the pool, and I now feel so much better for having done it. I loved my time over at the pool so today's lesson serves as a good reminder that I ALWAYS feel better after exercise.

Today's mental goal: Practice the Law of Attraction. Happiness attracts more happiness. Kindness attracts more kindness. Good health attracts more good health. Strength attracts more strength. Positivity attracts more positivity. Gratitude attracts more gratitude. And so on and so forth...

So, today's goal is to bring into my life more of what I desire!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

36 things I am grateful for

Today's physical goal: Walk to the physio and back...if I'm feeling bold I might even duck into the supermarket and buy some light supplies. I am also REALLY hoping that the physio tells me that I am allowed to sit!!! It's been 3 weeks of no sitting. That means no car rides anywhere; no dinners out; no cafe life; no sitting at the dinner table; no sitting upright when friends come over etc etc. So yeah, I've discovered that sitting is a really important part of my life and I am looking forward to welcoming it back into my days!

Today's mental goal: Focus on the things I am grateful for. When we feel gratitude, we draw even more good things into our lives. So here are 36 things in honour of my age... (in no particular order).

I am grateful for:

1. My husband who has supported me through this healing process with love, kindness, care and humour.
2. My mum who I have Skyped with every day since this happened - highlight of my day!
3. My right leg which has decided that being numb is not cool and now has about 90% of its feeling back. Woo - go right leg!
4. My friends in Dubai who have visited me non-stop, bringing smiles, conversation, hugs, wine, chocolate cake, pasta, salad, candles, magazines, donuts, flowers, bread, books, chocolate, walnuts, movies, coffee, apricots - the list goes on and on!
5. My FB friends who have filled me with a warm fuzzy feeling each time I read their messages of support.
6. The sunshine. Even when all else fails, laying in the sun makes me feel SO SO good.
7. Our life in Dubai - we love it here and it gets better each day. We are so happy!
8. The swimming pool downstairs - even though it is chilly, it is a glorious, peaceful place where I love to float and do my physio exercises.
9. The garden around the pool. I love the palm trees, the frangipanis, the hedge and the way the breeze makes everything flutter.
10. Being able to walk. He he - probably the most important one!
11. My osteopath - she fills me with hope each time I see her. Last time she told me that when I am 100% healed she will get me to write a testimonial!
12. My physio who is positive, knowledgeable and empathetic. She believes in miracles :)
13. Good medical care in Dubai - I can get in for appointments quickly...for example, I was able to get in for an MRI 2 days after I phoned them. Couldn't get this sort of speedy care in Australia...or many other parts of the worlds for that matter.
14. My upcoming neurosurgeon appointment. It will be good to get another opinion. Of course, I am hoping by the appointment next week that I will have full sensation in both of my legs and he will be blown away.
15. This computer. This little Mac has become by best friend.
16. Amazing blogs - they have kept me entertained, inspired and informed during this healing journey.
17. Good books. A friend gave me "Hector and the Search for Happiness". It is such a cute, inspiring book. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it.
18. Green smoothies - I am convinced that these suckers are accelerating my healing process.
19. A blog post I read about how a plant-based diet reduces inflammation in the body, thereby allowing healing to happen faster.
20. Eat to Live by Joel Furhmann - so much knowledge in one book.
21. I love my plant-based diet. I love my salads, soups, curries, stews and other concoctions that are helping to heal my body and fill it with vitality. I eat this way a good 90-95% of the time.
22. Wine. Enough said.
23. Runner's World magazine - to help me to feel like I am still a real runner.
24. Leah getting a job in Dubai at my school, starting August 2012. This girl is a motivator, an inspirer and a do-er. I am looking forward to having her here!
25. Goals. I love my daily physical and mental goals. I love my vision of running the 1/2 marathon in December and MAYBE even the marathon in January 2013.
26. Mental strength - I am pleased I am able to train my mind to focus on the things that are positive and life giving. I am 100% convinced that this healthy mind will help heal my body.
27. Our new mattress, doona and pillows. So, so comfy!
28. Flowers - love them!
29. My family ... even though they are far away, I know they are still thinking of me.
30. My gorgeous nieces and nephews. 4 cuter people never walked the earth! I love their energy, sense of fun and JOY! Talking with them makes me HAPPY!!
31. The Australian Open - keeping me company while I am house-bound.
32. Music - It lifts my mood and lifts my soul!
33. Cooking - I am enjoying doing a little more cooking. I always kinda dread it, but once we start slicing and dicing, I love it! I especially love eating the finished product.
34. The pool at the gym. I love that I can walk there and back. I love getting out of the house. I love that it is a big pool (with kickboards) so I can float, do my traction and do my pool walking.
35. My exercises I do at home - they help make me strong and they are a great way to relieve pain.
36. My life - I have been so blessed. I am so thankful for all of my 36 years. Each and every experience has helped me to grow and learn. Here's to many, many more years of good times.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Have a dream, make a plan, go for it

Today's physical goal: A fun-filled 30 minutes of pool traction, interspersed with 10 mins of pool walking. All good. Finished up with 20 mins of poolside lounging. The physio told me I have to do that too. He he...sure!

Today's mental goal: "Have a dream; make a plan; go for it", Zoe Koplowitz - MS sufferer who finished the NYC marathon on crutches in 24 hours. Now that is some serious mental strength right there. Well, I got my dream. I got my plan. Now I am going for it.

I'm feeling pretty good but a little tender and tight. Overall, I am very happy my with progress - being able to walk back and forth to the gym is awesome!!!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

One step at a time

Today's physical goal: Walk to gym and back and do my traction. Check. It was a slow old walk today - my legs seem a little more numb than yesterday??? Nonetheless, I did it :)

Today's mental goal: "I am made of belief. Not barriers". (Simon Wheatcroft, blind runner). I need to call back to my mind my vision of running the half marathon this December. Over the weekend, I lost sight of this. Today I am once again living a life of belief. Belief that I am strong and healed. Belief that I can do anything. Belief that I am living the life of my dreams.

In other news, I had a grand 'ole time over at the pool today. I floated for 40 mins or so (which is very theraputic in itself). I then took the liberty of hanging on the sun lounge for 20 mins. I mean, hey, I may as well have a little fun right? The glorious sun was shining. The sky was a resplendent blue. If someone handed me a Pina Colada, I may well have been able to believe I was in The Maldives. Or Hawaii. I'm not fussy.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Post-goal slump

You know when you achieve a major goal, you kinda feel a bit deflated in the following days?

After yesterday's high, today has been a bit blah. Not that I should feel that way. In my definition of fun, today has been a bonanza. I walked back and forth to the gym where I did my traction exercises in the pool. I talked on Skype. I had a friend come over. And I went to the supermarket. I mean OMG that is by far the biggest day I've had in nearly 3 weeks. I should be on top of the world.

I put my slump down to the fact that it was pretty upsetting to walk into the gym in the state I'm in. This is not me! I should not be limping in to the gym to float in the pool. I should be there to WORK OUT!!! Also, today's weather is odd. It's cold and breezy and kinda wintery. A wintery 28 degrees celcius. Yup, I have acclimatised too much.

Today's physical goal: Walk to gym and float in pool. I achieved this with style and panache ... and a distinct lack of pain.

Today's mental goal: Keep on keeping on. I know I just gotta stick at it. So I will...tomorrow. But for now, I'm gonna go sulk...just a little. Tomorrow will be better.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Goal achieved!

Today I achieved my first goal of walking over the road to the shops. Yes, you read that right :)

I had Matt for company and 'just in case', but in the end I was able to do it all on my own. It was certainly a slow old shuffle there and back, but I did it quite comfortably. There was no pain and I managed to control my crazy, numb leg so that it did what was required. We sat and had a coffee (and muffin!) before the shuffle back began.

Yes, I was slow. Yes, I was lopsided in my walk. Yes, everyone stared at me. Yes, everyone probably wondered why the heck I was walking like that. Did I care? Not even a little bit!

I have since been down to the pool to do my traction exercises and have been doing all the usual stretches all day. I feel good!

Today's physical goal: See above!
Today's mental goal: "You are the designer of your destiny. You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose" Lisa Nichols.

Well, a few days ago I wrote my story (literally) and penned my goals. Today, the outcome was achieving one of them. What seemed like an insurmountable task even just a couple of days back, today became possible.

Looks like this Lisa Nichols knows what she's talking about.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Small victories...

Yesterday I had two (what I call) major successes in terms of my back health. Firstly, I was able to actually step properly with my left foot (heel toe action) as opposed to just plonking it down flat-footed in front of me. I am still so, so slow when I walk, but at least that's progress.

The second victory was that I was able to lift my heels about 1 inch off the ground when I tried to stand on my tip toes. This is major success as up until now, I look at my feet and legs willing them to move, but they refuse to budge. Yesterday, however, we had lift off! Granted, I am still a long, long way from actually standing on my toes but this, my friends, is extreme progress. When the physio asked me to perform this move earlier in the week, only to discover I was 100% unable to, she was extremely concerned. She then proceeded to tell me that the neurosurgeon will freak out when he sees I can't do that as it means that no neural signals are getting through. Well, my nerves are sure proving them wrong - neural signals are now getting through!

Today's physical goal: Take it easy after yesterday's osteopathic treatment. Maybe just a little hanging in the pool. Literally. I hang off the edge of my lilo, letting my legs dangle. This is a form of traction, aimed at creating space between my vertebrae.

Today's mental goal: "If you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right" Henry Ford. Well, I think I CAN return to full health quickly and that it what I am choosing to focus on.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Keeping my eyes on the prize...

Today's physical goal: A whopping 30 laps of the shallow end + floating for traction. That might even mean putting my head in the freezing water. I'm also super busy doing my hip slides, knee lifts, side twists and reaches. All this dedication will surely have to start to free up my pesky nerve that is trapped / damaged from my S1 disc.

Today's mental goal: Keep my eyes on the prize. At the moment, running a half marathon seems like a long way off. I mean let's face it, I can barely walk 100 metres. But I am determined that I will meet all of the goals I set yesterday, with the first one coming up in the next 3 days - walking over to the shops across the road. This is a distance of probably 500 metres. Funny how I used to zip back and forth across there countless times a day, often on my way to do a workout at the gym. Now, the workout will be just walking over there.

But I'm keeping my eyes on the prize. I am visualising myself achieving all of my goals. I am allowing myself to feel the sense of elation and achievement when I conquer them. Yesterday I even considered wearing my 1/2 marathon medal around the house, pretending that I got it in this year's 2012 December 1/2 marathon. I didn't. But hey, I'm the only one here, so you never know!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Where there is hope...

Life is going well. Progress is slow and steady. I'm feeling really positive about my health and I am confident that I will be fit and healthy very, very soon.

I had a great time doing my first hydrotherapy session yesterday. The water was a tad chilly, but the sun was shining, the trees were swaying and the water was sparkling. It felt good to move. It felt even better to be outside.

I've been blessed with many amazing visitors who bring with them their hugs, smiles and friendship. Sometimes they even bring wine. Or chocolate cake. Or even donuts. See - told you life is good!

Today's physical goal: Do 25 laps walking around the shallow end of the pool (yesterday was 20).

Today's mental goal: I am choosing hope over anything else. And with that in mind I am setting myself some goals. I miss having running goals as a focus in my life. These goals brought me so much happiness and sense of achievement. So I've decided that with my sense of hope, I know that anything is possible. Hence some new goals are in order:

1. I will walk over to Uptown Mirdif by January 14th, 2012 - this weekend!!!

2. I will go for a real / exercise walk by January 31st, 2012.

3. I will run by February 29th, 2012

4. I will run and walk in beautiful Adelaide and McLaren Vale April 7-19th, 2012

5. I will run the ABRAs Mina Seyahi 10k race in October 2012.

6. I will run the Mirdif Milers 10 mile race in November 2012. (16 hilly kilometres).

7. I WILL RUN THE DUBAI CREEK HALF MARATHON IN DECEMBER 2012.

8. I will run a marathon before I turn 40 on December 6th, 2015 :)

I also will swim laps by February 14th, 2012 and return to yoga in February, 2012.

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~Christopher Reeve

Monday, January 9, 2012

How times change...

Last time I wrote, I was on the cusp of a healthy, happy, fun and active Christmas vacation. Seems that the higher powers have a different plan for me, as that was not certainly not how things panned out. What did pan out was 3 discs in my back that are 'stuffed' (code for herniated and prolapsed). I prefer to go with 'stuffed' - not only is it clearly more technical, it's also less daunting.

So, it has now been two weeks of a fair amount of pain (especially in the initial week); quite a bit of numbness and a pretty good dose of having trouble walking. Hmmm...fun, right?


Yesterday when I was at the physio, she gently told me that I'll most probably be looking at many weeks off work and she has referred me to a neurosurgeon. Now, I'm a pretty positive person, but I gotta say that when I heard this news, I freaked out. What? Me who loves running, swimming, gyming and yoga-ing? Me who just ran a half-marathon? Me who is signed up to do 4 more races in the coming months? Me who loves getting out and about exploring? Me who loves hanging at cafes and restaurants? Me who loves my job? Me who loves socialising? Me who loves getting out of the house? Active me? 'NO', I thought, this cannot be true! The words 'Michelle' and 'neurosurgeon' do not go together.

And you know what, it will not be me. I refuse to be defined by my circumstances, so I am choosing the path of health and positivity.


I feel so fortunate to have an amazing physiotherapist and osteopath who are caring for me. They believe in the body's ability to find strength and wisdom to heal itself. Fortuitously, so do I. They also believe in miracles. Again, so do I. So far, the road to recovery has been a positive one and I intend for it to continue that way. My body has the strength and wisdom to heal itself. My pesky nerves will have no choice but to cooperate. It feels so good knowing that I have the right people around me to help care for me and 'fix' me. It also feels good knowing that I believe all will be well.

In order to sure my healing process is on track, I am going to set a physical and mental goal for each day.

Today's physical goal: Continue my physio exercises and head down to the pool for my first session of hydrotherapy.

Today's emotional goal: "Whatever the mind can conceive, it can achieve" (W. Clement Stone). I conceive that I am healed and strong. I conceive that radiant health is mine. I conceive that I will run more half marathons and my first marathon. I conceive that I am full of vitality. I conceive that my body is stronger than ever. I conceive that my life is perfect and that I am able to live it just as I want to.

I feel strongly that a better path is opening up for me. This picture here sums it up:


So yes, times change. But always for the better.